Day 170

Notable event 1
I woke up, but I didn't open my eyes.

I. Felt. Awful.

I sort of hoped I would lapse into some sort of unconscious state where I couldn't be woken, some sort of unexplainable temporary paralyses that no-one could explain, but genuine enough that it would be a great reason not to have to go in today. I stayed that way, awake but pretending to be asleep for about 2 hours and 45 minutes. I have hardly slept at all anyway.

Notable event 2
I didn't go in. Instead I poured my anxieties and worry into an email to my tutor and other faculty staff explaining that I feel nauseous at the thought of going back to placement. I don't want to talk to anyone. I feel so terribly guilty because to look at me there is no reason why I can't go in. I feel like a big fraud. All the other student nurses protest about how much they hate their placements, yet they seem to manage going in.

Maybe they don't go in. Perhaps only 3% of my cohort ever attend placement at any one time, and the only reason there are so many admin staff at uni is to try and deal with the fallout. That would make me feel much better.

How I feel
I feel like a massive failure. I don't want to be with any of the patients because I don't know them. I have no idea if they're going to 'go off', or if this is how they normally are. I can't make anyone feel better with my killer sense of humour because everyone is preoccupied with their pain. If I can't deal with this then how am I supposed to be a good nurse?

I have been fine up until now. Why am I freaking out? Why this placement? I can't figure it. Have I had enough of nursing? I want to be a nurse, and I don't want to quit or defer, I just loathe everything about this placement. If this was my full time job I would quit today.

For now I will crawl into my hole and sob some more about how I am potentially throwing everything away. Could this placement be the end of it all??