Breathe

I don't want to quit.

I don't want to defer.

After my sobbing-session and a good sleep and a cup of tea I have made myself a list. My list justifies things for me and validates my aspiration to become a nurse, and why by hating this placement does not mean I am a crap, lazy, anxious student.

• There are many forms of nursing. It's not 'one' job with varying degrees of 'how much adrenaline can you handle, if you can't hack emergencies then you're rubbish'. There are loads of different types and they are all valid and useful. Whether you work in the Emergency Department or a Stroke Rehabilitation Unit, or in the community changing dressings and making cups of tea you are contributing to the patient's journey of health, and each of these roles is NECESSARY AND RELEVANT. 
• I do NOT like this type of nursing. I do not wish to pursue this type of nursing. I made this clear when applying to university that I would like to experience an acute setting (which I already have when I was in theatres and recovery) and I also stated that my main interest would be gaining experience in the community. This has not been considered AT ALL.
• I like to know my patients. 3-4 weeks or longer would suit me just fine. I want to be able to detect subtle changes in my patient after being with them for a while. I want to offer my patients a sense of continuity, familiarity, patience and time.
• I prefer patients with long-term issues, or chronic problems. NOT acute or short-term or emergencies. 
• I don't want to be around death, or bad news, or big emotions. This isn't me. Who I am does not fit well with these types of situations. If I can't fix it or make it better or use my humour to make it better, then I can't do it. I choke up and I am useless. I am not prepared to mould myself into something I am not to please people who feel I should be able to do it. Why not utilise me for what I am good at? Distribute me somewhere I am useful. I am not useful on AMU. I am, quite frankly, a quivering wreck. It is affecting me to the point of wanting to leave.
• I have been matched to the perfect opposite of what I want to do and achieve out of my time at university. This placement is a step back for me and a waste of my time, AMU's time, my mentor's time, and my university's time.
• My health is actually being affected by this placement. I am anxious, nervous, scared, terrified, crying, exhausted and drained. All after 3 days work. 
• Today I briefly (for a nanosecond) considered living under the floorboards of my lounge for the duration of my placement. I don't know how that would work out or benefit me in any way, but, I BRIEFLY CONSIDERED LIVING UNDER THE FLOORBOARDS IN MY LOUNGE FOR THE DURATION OF MY PLACEMENT. That is, quite honestly, a little fucked up.

That said, I am going to try my best to get my placement changed (I decided not to do this initially out of shame of failure, but accepting that this is not who I am is so much more refreshing and calming, I can actually breathe without fear of choking). Failing this I will attempt to get signed off if nobody will help me. I am making myself ill doing this, and am likely to end up on AMU as a patient rather than a student.

That is........if they ever do find me under the floor.......