Day 169

Notable event 1:
I am SO TIRED. 6am does not agree with me.

Notable event 2:
I get to the staff room 10 minutes before the shift starts (on the right ward this time may I add). It's full again, and nobody is talking. I say 'Morning!' in a bright and cheery way, and no-one replies.

No-one replies, and no-one speaks to me.

I stand in my leering position feeling humiliated. I bite my tongue. The temptation to just tell everyone exactly what I think is overwhelming. I want to leave and I want to cry. I'm not going to try and be friends with these people, they're clearly not interested and not worth the effort. I so badly want to leave, to run to my GP to get signed off for ANYTHING, but I choose to stay.

The Sister eventually comes in and assigns me to Mandy, who briefly says 'hi' and immediately turns her attention to someone else. I manage a half smile in return, but she's already looked away.

Notable event 3:
I am preparing to give a man a wash at around 10am when 'the' buzzer goes off. I freeze in absolute terror while everyone bolts it to the other end of the ward. I stare wide-eyed at my patient for a second who calmly pats my hand and tells me to follow the running people.

Thank you Mr Man.


I snap out of my paralyses and take off in the direction of the commotion. When I arrive, there are about 6 people rolling a gentleman onto his back. Shit, this is a real one. I pull curtains around the other patients in the bay, and close the window curtains. I move some trolleys out the way, then I stand and watch as the defibrillator is attached, an airway is put in, and the chest compressions start. People are searching for veins, attaching wires and drawing up medication. I keep my eyes on the nurses taking it in turns giving the chest compressions. What strikes me first is the sound of a chest compression - it's so deep and 'poppy', quite difficult to explain, but surprising to hear. (Nothing like the dummies we've trained on).

The defibrillator emits a shock and the man lets out a stifled gasping sound. They didn't tell us that happens at uni! It looks nothing like it does on Grey's Anatomy or Casualty either. It's all so robotic.

The nurse in charge asks me to get the patient's notes. Fuck - don't ask me please. I dash out to the reception and ask the first person who I see, who thankfully has the notes in her hand. I practically throw them at the nurse then quickly return to my position as out of the way as possible, trying to be invisible while trying to take it all in. The CPR continues and the crash team arrive. For the next couple of minutes the Sister glares at me on and off and eventually asks me if perhaps I should "return to the ward to watch over the other patients?"

I look at her in slight disbelief that I am not allowed to experience this, suppress shaking my head and croak a quiet 'yes'. Then I am bewildered at what she actually wants me to do. I can't look after the frigging WARD?!

I want to crawl into a hole.

No sooner than when my heart had sank I hear mutterings from the crash bay, and I'm immediately asked to return so I can learn from the experience. I believe I had Mandy to thank for this, and she began to talk through a few things with me and let me stand behind her by the bed. The CPR continues, and from the mutterings of the medical staff, I gather it's not promising news.

A hush descends over the bay. My mind is racing with thoughts.


Shit, first death. Shit, shit, shit, shit.


Where are his family?


Is it good that I didn't know him beforehand?


Do they expect me to cry? I don't feel like crying.....am I insensitive? Should I squeeze some tears out?


I feel, absolutely, USELESS.


I'm not useless, I closed the curtains. 


.....................and I got those notes.


No, seriously, you're useless right now - what are you going to do with notes? Fan him back alive? Dick.


My internal argument continues and I flick my eyes from person to person in silence, trying to take in what they are doing when suddenly Mr Cardiac Arrest sits bolt up right, eyes wide open, 'wind-milling' his arms.

GAH!

I think I just shit a little. Thank goodness I opted for a tunic and trousers rather than a dress today.......


I know that after death the body does some strange things, but clearly this fellow was VERY much alive.

Which is great! Yay! Yay for him. Good things. But I don't feel relieved, I feel like shit. I don't know if I can do this, this shit is SCARE-REE. Do I want to spend the rest of my life on a naff wage frazzling my nerves? How do these brave people go home after something like this and just carry on with their lives? I remember when I used to work in telesales on £18k a year. No-one dies in telesales. Well........my soul did, but does that count?

Yeah I suppose.

Notable event 4:
I just witnessed my first cardiac arrest, and I don't even get a coffee? Do I ask for one? Maybe they're waiting for me to burst into tears in the sluice first.............

Notable event 5:
No seriously, I need a coffee........

Notable event 6:
Truth is I need wine, but I'll just carry on for now. Twenty minutes after Mr Cardiac Arrest miraculously transforms into Mr Can-I-have-a-cup-of-tea, Mandy suggests I go and watch someone have a dodgy toenail removed. I happily oblige. My heart rate is back to normal, and I glove and apron myself up. I breeze through reception when I hear someone bark my name.

I swivel to see the Sister half way out a bed area with the curtains closed, she tells me to help her quickly with a sense of urgency in her voice, then immediately changes her mind and asks me to find someone else.

Pfft! I'm all gloved and aproned and ready to go! I'm going in, I don't care if she thinks I'm shit, I'm not. I tell another nurse we need help now and dash in to the cubicle. The Sister is trying to rouse a man on his chair and mutters quickly that she needs to get him on the bed. I immediately get into position and ask her if she's ready to move after 3. She looks at me briefly in disbelief and asks me if I'm sure.

Cue paragraph of internal dialogue consisting entirely of expletives.


"Yes. 123 move? Okay. 1..2..3..MOVE"

Within seconds we had Mr Chair on the bed, I quickly whipped his legs up and we began attaching him to all things monitor-y.

After this the Sister didn't use glare face on me any more, which makes me happy on the inside. My inner-bitch doesn't like glare face. She complains quite loudly about it and I can't shut her up.

Notable event 7:
It was so busy I missed lunch. I will officially NEVER work on AMU when I am qualified. FACT.

Notable event 8:
I MISSED LUNCH!!!!